


A quiet kind of hurt

by Whatisthiswhatamidoing



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Animal Death, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Child Abuse, Even Numbers Squad, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt Ben Hargreeves, Implied/Referenced Animal Abuse, Panic Attacks, Protective Diego Hargreeves, Protective Klaus Hargreeves, ben is inexplicably alive, implied gore, no beta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25293286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whatisthiswhatamidoing/pseuds/Whatisthiswhatamidoing
Summary: Ben had been having a nice day, eating his ice cream and watching his brothers bicker. Until a friendly dog tried to say hello.orben has trauma surrounding animals
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Reginald Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Eudora Patch
Comments: 19
Kudos: 174





	A quiet kind of hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea in the tua server and then em wanted it so much I had to write it asdghgf

“Hey, watch it!” He snapped as Klaus bumped into him, seriously endangering his ice cream cone.

“Don’t worry! if anything happens, Diego will get you a new one.”

“No, I won't.”

Ben huffed out a laugh, taking another bite out of his ice cream. It was nice, that despite how rough things had been lately, with Vanya nearly causing the apocalypse, Ben coming back to life, and Five just generally being around, he and some of his brothers could just go out and have fun just like… never, actually. Dad would have never let them do something as simple as go to the park and get ice cream and by the time they could, they had all drifted apart. 

On an ordinary day Ben would be convinced that this was only temporary, that Klaus was going to run into the wrong dealer at any moment, that Diego was going to see someone in trouble and run in without backup and get himself hurt.

But on an ordinary day, Klaus wouldn’t be trying to steal Diego’s ice cream, and Diego wouldn’t be so vehemently defending it as if it were the last thing he owned. If it was an ordinary day people wouldn’t be _looking_ at him. The lady who sold them their ice cream wouldn’t have smiled directly at him as she handed him his treat, and the people passing by wouldn’t awkwardly smile when Ben made eye contact. It was overwhelming. But great.

“Hey! Bennifer!” he grunted as Klaus crashed into him and horrifically, sent his ice cream flying from his hand.

“Are you kidding me? I paid for that!”

Klaus, the asshole, started laughing instead of apologising. Ben crossed his arms. This was _not_ funny, that was his ice cream. “Don’t worry, that was all Diego’s fault, he pushed me! Diego, buy Ben more ice cream!”

“No way, that was all your fault! if you hadn’t tried to steal mine then–”

“Oh, sure, blame the victim!”

He rolled his eyes, leaving Klaus and Diego to fight like children. Maybe when these two idiots tired themselves out he could convince them to go to the lake with him and dip their toes in the water. It’s been so long since he’s felt anything like that.

It’s been a shock, actually, how many little things he’s missed as a ghost. Smelling a nice dinner cooked by mom, the tight bear hugs of all his siblings, _the soft fur of a puppy–_

He blinked. Where did that come from? Why was his heart beating so fast? He shook his head slightly, his stomach churning. Was that the horror or just nausea? There was no way to check, not without killing several people in the process. Not without–

_Blood, there was blood everywhere, he could see its bones, its blank eyes gazed at him accusedly. He did this, he did this, he did this–_

He gritted his teeth, and swiftly turned around. He didn’t want ice cream anymore.

Making his way back to his brothers, he could tell that they were still fighting, probably about more personal issues if they had been fighting this long. Whatever, he still wanted to have a good day, and he wasn’t going to let these two dumbasses bring it down. He had enough of watching them fight as a ghost, so he turned around and made for the lake himself. If they needed him they would find him eventually, it wasn’t such a big park.

He wasn’t mad or anything, he just needed a breather. It was a lot easier to get overwhelmed, being alive. Despite all these months, he still wasn’t used to it.

It took him a few minutes to stop feeling shaky, to stop feeling like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. The lake looked nice. It was shady here, so there weren't as many people on this side of the lake, and all the ducks were on the other side, gleefully fighting over the bread pieces that people were throwing to them. The humans and the ducks were both far out of the Horror’s reach if anything happened. The thought made something inside him relax a little.

“Hey, peaches! Come back here, don’t bother that man, come on!” he blinked as he turned his head to see a woman trying to wave something over, and suddenly there was a cold nose pushing at his hand asking for pets, and–

And he was–

He was–

* * *

_“Number Six, this is a puppy.” Six blinked as Dad held up a cage with a golden puppy inside. He stared. He’d never seen a puppy before._

_Dad placed the cage down in front of him, opening the door to let the puppy clumsily walk out and Six twisted his hands together behind his back to resist petting it. It looked so fluffy. Dad looked at him for a few seconds and Six tried to stand up straighter than he already was, waiting for orders. If he was good during his personal training then he might get dessert. That was what Dad promised anyway, but Dad didn’t always keep his promises._

_“You may pet it, if you wish.”_

_Six’s face lit up, and he immediately stroked his hand along the puppy’s back. He was right about it being soft, he noted with a grin, gently pulling it closer to scratch its ears. It was delighted to be given attention, wriggling around and licking his fingers, and Six felt like the most loved person in the world._

_Dad watched him for a while as he played with it, until he moved forwards to drag the puppy back, a few feet away from Six. He deflated, but didn’t protest, even though his fingers yearned for the puppy’s soft coat._

_“Number Six.” Dad’s voice sharp and firm echoed around the large, concrete room. Looking up, he blinked as he realised that Dad was at the other side of the room. What was he doing there?_

_It was hard to see because of how far away Dad was, but Six thought he saw him pull out a notebook and a pen, ready for documenting. His stomach churned. What was Dad planning? Was something bad going to happen?_

_Dad looked back up at him after writing some things down. “Release the Horror.”_

_He froze. “But– that will hurt the puppy.”_

_“I want you to kill the dog.”_

_He balked, stumbling away from the puppy which had already stumbled closer to him, wanting more scratches. “I don’t– I don’t wanna do that! It didn’t do anything wrong!”_

_“It doesn’t matter what you want. I gave you an order, Number Six. Release the Horror and kill the dog.”_

_“No!” he cried, thick tears rolling down his cheeks. The cocked it’s head at him and stepped even closer, and he groaned as the Horror punched against his stomach. It was hungry. “No-o!,” he sobbed, wrapping his arms tight around his stomach as he scrambled to get away from the puppy. It walked closer, it didn’t know it was in danger, it didn’t know he was a monster– “no, please, no I don’t want to hurt it, no-o-o.”_

_“Number Six!” Dad snapped, and he flinched, shrinking in on himself. A beat of silence, then, “if you don’t kill the dog then I will be forced to punish your siblings.”_

_He shuddered. “What?”_

_“The longest Number Four has spent in the mausoleum is five hours. Perhaps he will finally get over his silly fear if I leave him there a day, or if that fails, a week.”_

_“What?” he looked up, desperately trying to ignore the puppy licking his knees. “No, you can’t do that, he won’t be able to handle it, he won’t. Six has seen Four after the mausoleum, when he finally came home. Dirty, with bloody nails and a distant stare. And that was just after a few hours. Would Four ever go back to normal if Dad left him there for such a long time? His face screwed up with tears and he curled up into a fetal position, desperately trying to breathe as his breaths came faster and faster._

_“Then what is more important, this measly dog’s life, or your brother’s sanity?”_

_He sobbed and opened his eyes._

_He didn’t want to hurt it._

_The puppy looked back at him._

_“Ben, hey, Ben it’s okay, the dog’s gone, it’s okay–”_

_He stood up._

_“You don’t have to hurt it, it’s gone alright? The dog just wanted to say hi–”_

_The puppy wagged its tail, ready to play._

_…_

_He got dessert that night._

* * *

He was a murderer, he was a murderer, he was a monster, all he ever did was kill. He deserved to die– why wasn’t he dead? Why could he still feel the Beneath his legs, the hot tears rolling down his face, why was he gasping for air he didn’t deserve? Why was–why was–

“You're not a monster, Ben, you’re not a monster, breathe, okay? I got you, the dog’s gone and you don’t have to hurt it okay? It’s gone, so please breathe–”

Why did his brother’s hands clenched tight over his own feel so safe? He was dangerous, he was going to hurt him, why was his brother still close to him. Didn’t he know what he was?

“Ben. Ben, please look at me.” Shuddering out a sob he looked up and found himself frozen by his brother’s eyes. They were worried and concerned and unafraid, unafraid even though he _knew_ that Ben could kill fifty men effortlessly. The responsible part of him was screaming at him to _get away, get away, don’t hurt Klaus–_ but against all rational reasoning, he sobbed and fell forwards to bury his face in Klaus’ neck.

“Oh no– did I make it worse?”

“I think the same, at least he’s responding now– hey! Nothing to see here, move along.”

He gasped, trying to steady his breathing in Klaus’ t shirt, feeling inordinately comforted by Klaus’ rocking and mindless chattering. He was talking about the time a shopkeeper beat him with her bag when she caught him shoplifting, as if Ben wasn’t there when it happened, but the familiar story washed over him and made it a little easier to breathe. From the corner of his eye, he watched as Diego shooed away anyone staring. Why were people staring?

He froze as he realised that he had been sobbing into his brother’s shoulder in the middle of a path for god knows how long.

Jerking away he harshly wiped tears off from his face, wishing intensely that he was still dead just so he wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment. He blushed and pulled his hood over his head when he saw some people staring just far enough that Diego couldn’t shoo them. _God,_ if there was one thing he missed about being dead, it was being not seen when he didn’t want to be.

“Ben! You’re back with us! You had us worried.”

“I–I–” he swallowed and shook his head. “Did I seriously just panic in public?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, it happens to the best of us. Remember me and Vanya's big elevator freakout?”

He… did have a point there, but Ben still shook his head, his face feeling hot. “Let’s just go home,” he mumbled, and Klaus nodded, helping him up when his limbs proved to be more shaky than anticipated.

“Are you alright?” Diego came up on his left, grabbing his arm to steady him even though he could walk on his own fine now. He thinks. “What happened? The lady said that her dog tried to say hi to you and suddenly you were panicking. She was lying, right?”

“Why would she be lying?”

“Look, some people do that, they hurt people and then they–”

“No, no nothing like that happened,” he kept his eyes on the ground, hood firmly pulled over his face. “The dog didn’t hurt me, either. It just sniffed my hand.”

Klaus gave him a sympathetic look and pulled him closer with an arm around his shoulders, which should have made Ben feel more scared of the off chance that the Horror would get out– but instead he sighed, relaxing a little more. Klaus had known about his training ever since they were kids, thanks to fourteen year old’s Klaus innecessent needling, and himself being in shock after being forced to kill the cat that had visited his window the past few weeks. He had been sobbing, hyperventilating, and had just wanted for _someone_ to know, for anyone to comfort him.

Klaus didn’t know what threat Dad used to motivate Ben to kill the animals though. Ben wasn’t planning on ever telling him.

Diego seemed to know he was out of the loop. “What? Why did Ben panic?”

The thought of telling anyone so soon after his panic attack made him want to break into tears, so he looked at Klaus, who looked back in a way that made him feel vulnerable and raw, and sighed.

“Well, you know that Dad was a prick right from the start, and all of our personal training was horrible and traumatic?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“Well, Dad needed a way to train the Horror, and according to him, animals are pretty expandible.” He was glad that Klaus was stepping around it, he doesn’t think he could handle it if Klaus outright told Diego what happened.

“What? Oh.” Diego's face went flat. “Oh. _Dammit_ , Dad was such a prick.”

The sentence shocked him so much that he actually huffed out a laugh, and Klaus sighed dramatically next to him.“Today has been _traumatic_. I propose ice cream therapy when we get home!”

“We literally _just_ had ice cream.”

“Yeah, but we can have ice cream with the girls! I’m eighty percent sure that our vanya hasn’t gotten the opportunity to have a good cry about her dick of an ex. You can cry about your girlfriend too!”

“Okay, first off, Eudora isn’t a dick, and she’s not my ex, we’re just… on pause right now. Anyway–”

Ben sighed as he let the sounds of his brothers bickering wash over his mind. Today hadn’t been a perfect day, but his family was there to make it better. Klaus nudged him as Diego started his long winded spiel about his relationship troubles, smiling gently as Ben looked up at him. “You know that you’re safe now, right? You don’t have to hurt anything ever again.”

Ben blinked, and smiled. “Yeah. I know now.” And he really did, he wasn’t even lying to Klaus to make him feel better. Dad was dead, and he would never have to go on a mission again, would never have to kill anything ever again.

He still felt horribly shaky, and when they got home he was probably going to pass the ice cream and stay in his bed until tomorrow, but just for now, he could listen to his siblings banter and wholeheartedly believe he was safe.

**Author's Note:**

> that hurt to write :( but hopefully it hurt you more to read


End file.
